I like reality the way it is

Yay for sceptic webcomics!

For those, who don’t get the reference:

All alone, or in two’s,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall,
After all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

Pink Floyd - Outside The Wall

I wanted badly to extend the “push the post down” series to the part nine before posting something like this, but I don’t feel I can come up with four more posts soon enough. Whatever, we all know I am a lousy blogger.

OK, frankly, what you have read in THE POST is 80% bullshit. There is some truth in it and the photo was genuine, however, most of it was complete lies, forged for one particular reason. But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

First of all, I did have a problem with gender identity. I did question myself, am I really not a girl in a boy’s body. I did research all over the Internet about this topic. I did my best, and then I decided… I am not. I am very sorry that my previous girlfriend had to suffer through it all and most probably that was the main reason we split up anyway. I imagine it should have been painful. Well, OK, I wasn’t 100% sure, but I really thought that it’s most probably not my path of life.

There are some reasons why I questioned myself. Maybe I didn’t realise most of them myself back then, but right now I see it as a way to simply build a wall between myself and the rest of people who were hurting me a bit too much. Almost as in “if you don’t like me the way I am, I will be someone absolutely different then, but that won’t be me”. Yes, I know it sounds mad, but I don’t think I can claim full sanity with the things I wrote in the post anyway. However, I can calm you down - that phase passed very fast and I realised it’s all just an illusion.

If I were at least a bit superstitious, I could bullshit you right now, how a bat, which returned to me last night, and the lightning without thunder were the signs from some supernatural beings to stop this nonsense, however, bats aren’t all that rare in this part of the city and lightning between clouds does not produce thunder, because it is too high from the ground. However, as I am not too good at sleeping with lights flashing right into my eyes, I lied in my bed and thought about all this stuff and realised I should stop now. You see, while I knew the answer that I am not a transsexual all along, I still intentionally made the “confession”, because I am a heartless bastard and I wanted to find out by these radical means where some of my friends really stand. I was curious, whether admitting something like this would reveal something in them I was not aware before. Well… sadly… it did reveal, but I won’t go in much detail about it. Let’s say it was all an eye-openning experience for me. Am I happy that I did it? Not necessarily. I really can’t tell.

So, just to sum up - I am not a transsexual. It was all just a temporary crisis earlier in my life that I have crossed (I think) successfully. However, I am a heartless bastard and I wanted to test out my friends and their opinions about me in a different light. I wanted to really find what is important in me for them. Thus, I conducted a scientific experiment. I am sorry for anyone, who feels mentally damaged by this, but you won’t get a refund. I am also amazed that there were several people who read through my this plan at once. Shows how good they know me.

People say that my blog is very negative. All you can read is either bad stuff that happened to me or something totally unrelated to me. I never say anything good about my life. Indeed, I never do. As a joke I remarked that “blog must be bad” (a pun that only Lithuanians will get). But then I thought a bit - no, my life is not as bad as I make it seem here.

First of all, I’m alive. That’s quite an achievement, given that most of the human beings that were ever on this planet are already dead. I’m not ill with some terminal disease, I’m not handicaped, I’m not suffering excruciating pain. I have warm home, I have warm food, I have warm bed. Most of the people don’t.

However, the human mind tends to diminish things it wants to be diminished and aggravates things it wants to be aggravated. All that I mentioned above have become a given in Western culture. As these needs are fulfilled, human mind starts to look elsewhere for a problem.

Why? I don’t understand. But I know this for sure, you can’t make a person happy. Never. Once he or she achieves something, it’s not enough, one starts to search further. Every small detail that is incorrect becomes pissing off. It’s like plastic surgery. First of all you make wholesale changes that you really need because you look ugly, but after that you start to pay attention to the details no one would ever notice. You can never get happiness…

This is weird. This is really weird. Or is it? What if suddenly you realised that you don’t need anything at all. Wouldn’t it make meaningless to live and wouldn’t death become the only route? Is human existance meaningless without a search for improvements? Or maybe it’s just meaningless?

On the other hand, there is a saying: “Happy are those who don’t know”. Well, interesting idea. Maybe you can get happiness for yourself if you can stop at the right time, when it’s only small unnoticable problems that worry you, when you forget, don’t know that something is wrong.

OK, actually, it’s not that I’m very philosophic tonight. I just wanted to kick some life into this blog again. Good night, everyone.

• missed a wonderful opportunity to get happy (and I don’t want to provide any more details than that);
• started a paper model of “ORP Garland”, Polish destroyer ship. At the moment it’s only the hull that is completed;
• officially left the band;
• wasted many hours worthlessly;
• made myself a board game from the info on the Internet;
• started the end-term exams.

If you have a lot of spare time and want to spend it weirdly (but pleasantly and with an artistic touch), you may want to check out this site.

Thanks to my new friend Šarūnė for pointing me this great link.

(Geez, that’s makes quite a lot of categories, named by various girls. I have to add Darius and someone else there as well just to balance things out)