I like reality the way it is

Yay! I apologized to Vaiva and she’s not angry anymore! I just hope I don’t do anything wrong to upset her again, I really wouldn’t like that. I mean, come on, how many times in a row can a person screw up? She’s very important to me and I want to show that at least once.

Yay! I totally pissed of one of my course mates in the university. Nothing personal, maybe she’s a very nice girl and so on, but I got tired of her constant “Could you do this for me?” “Could you do that for me?” “Please, help me do that” approach. I don’t think I am a bad person, but sheesh, why should I do everything for her? And for what? Gratitude? I don’t think she feels any form of gratitude, it has become some kind of… I guess, “duty” is the right word here. Yes, I must do something for her. Riiight. Therefore I decided to put an end to this - I said “Yes, I will do that program for you” and didn’t move a finger for two weeks. Today she asked if I had it done. Hehe. I guess I won’t be hearing a lot of help requests for some time.

Yay! My idea of playing “Diplomacy” by email is totally working, because more and more people get interested in it. Mostly they are from the school I finished three years ago - very nice people, I should say. Anyway, now I start to wonder, when everybody will get tired of it and demand something fresh… Ah well, it’s not coming soon, I think. I have a brilliant idea to buy a large map of Europe and make it a “Diplomacy” board. Yes, I admit, I don’t have the original copy of the game and therefore I must be breaking quite a lot of copyrights by creating games online, however, I don’t care. I’m really not into that copyright stuff and I think it’s fairly stupid.

And speaking of Diplomacy - yay! I have a good outline for the game that combines the best qualities of Diplomacy and Axis&Allies. Now if I could only get it done, I can create a Cyberboard for it and try it out!

And one last yay for the proposal I got yesterday from one dude who teached me artificial intelligence in school (that was a module in advanced computer science). I can’t tell you much now, because it hasn’t even reached a project phase, but the idea is fairly interesting and challenging. It has to do something with maths - which is my speciality - so I’m looking forward to developing that idea further.

…after you lose a face to face game of Diplomacy and, because you have to stick around until the end, you start to writing the same name several hundreds of times on the whiteboard all over it from top to bottom and from left to right.

One of the friends said that if he didn’t know me better, he’d bet I’m in love. You know, I’m starting to think he doesn’t know me that good after all. When you have someone close to you, you get used to him or her and don’t notice anymore, however, if something goes wrong, the emptiness just strikes you. Yes, I know that it may sound weird, but I just didn’t notice I love her before. Yes, I do. But it might be too late to realize that.

Wow, two rants in a row. I must be definitely enjoying my life, it seems… Anyway, here it goes.

Everything started… I think a week ago, I don’t remember it precisely. Me and some of my friends are playing “Diplomacy” by email. It’s a tough strategic-diplomatic game and, as it is frankly based on backstabbing and cheating, sometimes it gets emotional. You get some negative emotions anytime you play an interactive multiplayer game, however, “Diplomacy” is THE game of flairing tempers. Anyway, as a gamemaster, I tried very hard to keep the emotions of players in check, after all, it’s just a game - and you don’t get any prize for that either. Everything went quite well until a last couple of turns. I don’t want to get back to that story, honest, however… Let’s just say that it went out of hand and one of the involved was my good friend Vaiva. And, of course, given how “wonderful” handler of situations I am, I managed to get angry with her and now… let’s say we don’t talk too much.

Let’s be honest about it - that drives me crazy. Vaiva matters to me very much, because she’s a very nice person, she was always very honest with me, we share common world view and so on. If I had to choose one person, who I would pick with me to an uninhabited island, it would definitely be her, because she’s incredibly smart. Simply speaking, she’s great. Anyway, I managed to screw up and now I have one great friend less. I haven’t lost the hope that one day we’ll be back on good terms, however, it’s definitely not coming soon - and that makes me very sad. Yes, I know, some people will infer from this, that I love her. To hell with that. I value her to much as a friend to even try. Have you ever heard of ladder theory? If not, you might want to give it a look. Pay attention to the part about jumping the ladder if you want to get my situation. Yes, I know that theory is a little bit oversimplifying, but it’s true enough to matter.

To make it even more painful, I played cards with friends and I lost, so I had to do their task (I try not to play games where money are involved). Surprise surprise, I get a task to either kiss Vaiva (“kiss” as in that long sweat play of lips, not just a quickie in a cheek) or to say I love her with the most sincere and serious face I can. I didn’t do it. I don’t think I will, but it really hurt me inside. You know why? Because deep inside I actually would like to do that. And she would really never speak to me again if I did that.

And that’s not it. I don’t know how serious it is, but I’m amazed by another girl. I don’t know her for long, but she definitely got my attention. I mean, REALLY got my attention, because she just seems to be so… I can’t describe it, and it’s not because English is my second language. She just has that energy inside. The energy which makes you feel a person is a greatest one to be with. Actually, quite a same feeling I had/have towards Eglė, the girl from Panevėžys I was in love with… Anyway, I don’t want to rush, because it may be a false image. I don’t want to make any more mistakes. But she’s so cute, so friendly, so fun… Argh… You might want to take a break until I stop drooling.

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Ok, I’m back. So, as you see, I’m in quite a deep shit. There’s one girl that I know and I like (even if just as a friend), but she’s angry with me, than there’s another girl, which seems to be just wonderful, but I don’t know her too well and I’m too affraid to try anything, because I may be mistaken. But wait, let’s top that with some good old everyday crap - university! I didn’t give in my physics laboratory work, I will definitely not bring my mathematical logics homework, I got 5 out of ten in data structures test, I’m late to give my data structure laboratory work by two weeks, I wrote my linear algebra test terribly and I’m starting to feel that everything is slipping out of my hands. Maybe it will not be too bad, but the following two months will be very difficult… VERY.