I like reality the way it is

Today was quite a sad day for me for several reasons. I don't think any of them alone would mean much, but combined they make me depressed.

First of all, I weighed all pros and cons and decided that I'd rather leave "Jelou Medou" at least temporarily. I don't know yet, for how long I would like to leave them alone. Maybe two weeks. Maybe until New Year. The point remains the same, I don't feel good in the band anymore, I don't feel that environment is friendly and creative, I don't feel encouraged enough to develop myself as a musician, I don't feel possibilities to develop, I don't feel capable of contributing to the band, et cetera. In other words, I need holiday badly. I know this will disappoint all other members, but, frankly, I don't care. I really need it.

Another quite unpleasant moment was when I was visiting the school where I studied before university. It is (or, supposedly, was) quite a friendly place and people return there from time to time just to return a bit back in time, talk a bit with current pupils and so on. However, today I witnessed how a group of them came to one of the visiting more often exes (even more often that me, which is quite impressive) and let out a long tirade about how he hates him, how he hates his smell, hates the fact of his being there, hates all his friends who come to gymnasium as well and so on. I was shocked, even though it was not directed at me (well, they apparently like me a bit more). I always thought that expupils who come back to their old school is a good sign. Now I was told that it's quite an opposite thing, that they don't like us returning and they think that we need to "get a life", "get some friends outside of gymnasium" and so on. You know, it really hurts. I really can't say much, because I'm still speechless of what I saw. Yes, I know, I was told that they don't have anything against me, but that doesn't change anything much. It's the first time I definitely felt like an outcast.

And no, today I'm not posting anything about certain someone, because I feel that I'm getting repetitive there. Really. But she's still awesome.

Wow, two rants in a row. I must be definitely enjoying my life, it seems... Anyway, here it goes.

Everything started... I think a week ago, I don't remember it precisely. Me and some of my friends are playing "Diplomacy" by email. It's a tough strategic-diplomatic game and, as it is frankly based on backstabbing and cheating, sometimes it gets emotional. You get some negative emotions anytime you play an interactive multiplayer game, however, "Diplomacy" is THE game of flairing tempers. Anyway, as a gamemaster, I tried very hard to keep the emotions of players in check, after all, it's just a game - and you don't get any prize for that either. Everything went quite well until a last couple of turns. I don't want to get back to that story, honest, however... Let's just say that it went out of hand and one of the involved was my good friend Vaiva. And, of course, given how "wonderful" handler of situations I am, I managed to get angry with her and now... let's say we don't talk too much.

Let's be honest about it - that drives me crazy. Vaiva matters to me very much, because she's a very nice person, she was always very honest with me, we share common world view and so on. If I had to choose one person, who I would pick with me to an uninhabited island, it would definitely be her, because she's incredibly smart. Simply speaking, she's great. Anyway, I managed to screw up and now I have one great friend less. I haven't lost the hope that one day we'll be back on good terms, however, it's definitely not coming soon - and that makes me very sad. Yes, I know, some people will infer from this, that I love her. To hell with that. I value her to much as a friend to even try. Have you ever heard of ladder theory? If not, you might want to give it a look. Pay attention to the part about jumping the ladder if you want to get my situation. Yes, I know that theory is a little bit oversimplifying, but it's true enough to matter.

To make it even more painful, I played cards with friends and I lost, so I had to do their task (I try not to play games where money are involved). Surprise surprise, I get a task to either kiss Vaiva ("kiss" as in that long sweat play of lips, not just a quickie in a cheek) or to say I love her with the most sincere and serious face I can. I didn't do it. I don't think I will, but it really hurt me inside. You know why? Because deep inside I actually would like to do that. And she would really never speak to me again if I did that.

And that's not it. I don't know how serious it is, but I'm amazed by another girl. I don't know her for long, but she definitely got my attention. I mean, REALLY got my attention, because she just seems to be so... I can't describe it, and it's not because English is my second language. She just has that energy inside. The energy which makes you feel a person is a greatest one to be with. Actually, quite a same feeling I had/have towards Eglė, the girl from Panevėžys I was in love with... Anyway, I don't want to rush, because it may be a false image. I don't want to make any more mistakes. But she's so cute, so friendly, so fun... Argh... You might want to take a break until I stop drooling.

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Ok, I'm back. So, as you see, I'm in quite a deep shit. There's one girl that I know and I like (even if just as a friend), but she's angry with me, than there's another girl, which seems to be just wonderful, but I don't know her too well and I'm too affraid to try anything, because I may be mistaken. But wait, let's top that with some good old everyday crap - university! I didn't give in my physics laboratory work, I will definitely not bring my mathematical logics homework, I got 5 out of ten in data structures test, I'm late to give my data structure laboratory work by two weeks, I wrote my linear algebra test terribly and I'm starting to feel that everything is slipping out of my hands. Maybe it will not be too bad, but the following two months will be very difficult... VERY.